Introducing: Titanic Confessions

Titanic

Tonight is the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic. This ship has captivated people's interest since, well, since it happened.

I'm never "on time" with seeing movies and such, I always seem to see them after they're already out on home video. So I didn't see the movie Titanic until a year after its release to theaters. I liked the movie so much (my sister as well), that we wore it out. The second tape was so worn out it wouldn't play after awhile. Anyway, my 12 year old self was enthralled by this, and thus began the research. Of course I'm no expert, but I acquired quite a large amount of knowledge on the subject. I still remember most of it, actually.

But the event itself wasn't the only thing that caught my interest. There was a certain man in uniform who stole the show, in my opinion. Not only did I develop my first ever celebrity crush, but I, at 12 or 13 years old, made the decision: "I want to do what he does. I want to be an actor." So I began taking drama classes throughout the rest of my school years, up until senior year of high school, when my interests drifted in a different direction. I was in 2 plays in 8th grade, which were two of the best experiences I've had in my life. Sadly, I was not quite able to land a part in any of my high school's plays. :/ Point is, this man changed my life, for I believe that had it not been for him, I would not have taken drama classes at all, thus I may never have come out of my shell. He may not occupy mind like a certain German does, but he will always have a place in my heart because of that (and I still think he's fucking adorable!).



So, dear readers, here is the man, in probably the most INTENSE 5 minutes ever, that so captivated my adolescent self, and even to this day motivates me to go after what I want in life.

Excuse the bad audio, it was the best one I could find.









And here's another, because I feel like it. Best fan tribute ever.

Picking Up The Pieces

My concept of loyalty has been shattered. Events occurred over the weekend that apparently has caused something in my head to snap. It's like I've had an epiphany. People will be loyal to you, but only until someone else they like better comes along. It doesn't matter how long you've known them, what you've been through together, they will leave you for someone else. And they may not even look back.

This is upsetting to me, because throughout my life, I haven't been blessed with a heck of a lot of good, honest friendships. So when I find that, I treasure it. I like to think I'm a good friend, someone who will do what I can to help you out, cheer you up, whatever the case may be. I've always been loyal person to the people I truly care about. So you can imagine the hurt when that loyalty all of sudden is snipped in half by the one at the other end. And there is nothing. I. Can. Do. And then have them tell you they hung out with you because they basically had nothing better to do. Care to twist that knife you've just stuck into my stomach?

It's left me in a very complicated, weird state of mind. I feel I've been lied to, for how long I have no idea. I've just got out of the "anger" phase of the grieving process, and perhaps now I'm in the "numb" phase. I'm finding that I don't really care as much as I used to. It's not that I've given up on things or people, but I just...don't care as much as I used to. As weird as it sounds, it almost feels liberating. But at the same time, I hate it. I want to be the person that I never really had in my life (until 9th grade anyway). But it's hard when that piece of you seems to have died. I feel as if my caring nature has ultimately hurt me.

I hope someday I can figure this all out. I hope to heal from this. I'm sorry to anyone I may have inadvertently hurt, because you had nothing to do with this. I haven't replied to texts or messages because I'm just going through some rough shit right now. I can't deal with it. I hope you understand.

All I Can Do Is Watch

I said in the past that I'd always be there if you needed me. Now I'm not even sure I can keep that promise. Either you truly can't see what you're doing, or you don't care.

Push people away long enough, and hard enough, and there will be no one to catch you when you fall.

Confessions

Often times in the wee hours I stop and analyze myself, something that I wish I didn't do, because it makes me feel less optimistic about my life.

My train of thought sometimes leads me back to that fight I had with my Dad last June, where I broke down and spilled my guts. It left me feeling as though I had done something wrong, or perhaps a lot of things wrong, but I could never figure out what it was. I went to work that night, arrived late, and tried with every fiber of my being to keep myself together...because all I wanted was to break down. I have never been in such a state, and haven't been since. It was a scary place for my mind to be in. One I never want to revisit.

I have been yelled at too much in my life. Mistakes are wrong. If you can't figure it out, you're too stupid. You're a pig. It didn't matter what the situation was. The solution was to make me feel as though I was wrong, that I had fucked up. I've never been good at math beyond basic algebra. My teachers never wanted to give me extra help after school. Instead they sighed exasperatedly "It's so simple! Don't you see?" No sir, I don't. Just like you don't see I need help. And always I was too afraid to ask for it.

Let's not forget the bullying during my childhood years. There was one boy in particular who made sure to yell out "DYKE!" at me every time he saw me in the hallways. I've had things thrown at me. I've had people draw swastikas on my desk in history class, which I would rub off with my spit each time. Another boy made my life so miserable, I wouldn't go to the playground in my neighborhood for fear of him being there. No blow was too low for him. To make it worse, he rode my bus, and was in my class too; there was no escaping it.

I've been made to feel lower than others. Like I deserve less. Like a freak. Like I'm not allowed to be who I am because it doesn't fit in the nice little neat boxes.

Yes. I have issues. Yes. I have anger problems. Yes. I am overly defensive. I admit these things. You can thank the males in my life for giving them to me.

Oh and of course, apparently I need to get NO, I'M NOT LESBIAN tattooed on my forehead. Because who I'd fuck is everybody's major concern it seems.