When I Grow Up I Want To...

Most folks know by the time the graduate college what they want to do as far as a career is concerned. Some are even lucky enough to start that career right after graduating.


And then there's people like me, who flail about post-high school trying to figure out what exactly it is that we want to do.


First I wanted to be an actor, so I took drama classes from 7th - 11th grade. But my interests changed senior year and I focused more on photography and German, as my new ideal career was a translator, and photography was just fun! Plus I realized that I could never get parts in the plays as long as Matt Carr was auditioning because apparently he was God's gift to the Theater Department. So yeah, German translator. Then I realized that, aside from VCU, somewhere I couldn't afford to go, nobody offered German classes! D: Well, J. Sargent Reynolds did (I went there for a semester hoping to take that class), but the class got cancelled due to not having enough students. FML.


So I transferred to JTCC, and took general classes until I decided that I wanted to go after a degree in Police Science (aka Criminal Justice). I did enjoy it, was interested in it, and at least it could get me somewhere in the future. I honestly thought I would be going in law enforcement, I was even invited to test with my county's police department, and then I realized that field wasn't right for me. I couldn't exactly explain why, but it just didn't seem to fit.


Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. My Customer Service Manager asked me what I wanted in life. I asked for clarification, and he asked me what kind of career I wanted. I told him, "Well, my short term goal is to manage the electronics department, but other than that I'm still trying to figure that out." Which is true. Though I'm happy at Walmart and have opportunities to make a career out of it, I do want something more than that.


So I asked myself, "Self, what is it that you've always wanted to do?" And I said, "Work on a ship."


More specifically, I want to work security on a ship. I've wanted to do that since I was 12. The travel opportunities, the freedom of the open ocean, all without having to do push-ups to get it like the Navy would have me do (I still love you though, U.S. Navy). And I like traveling, I just hardly ever get the opportunity to do so. I've found a place in Virginia Beach, Mid-Atlantic Maritime Academy, that offers a maritime security course for $500. This seems realistic if I save my bonuses.


Who knows where this will ultimately lead. It's an ending that I can't write, but one that I hope I can enjoy getting to.

Confessions Part 2

So I've got half a bottle of Schmitt Söhne Riesling and Agalloch's "Not Unlike The Waves" on repeat. Let's see what comes out of my brain.

I really need to clean up my room. I have crap in here, some of it still boxed up, that I haven't touched since we moved in last August. It's bugging the shit out of me, but as usual I'm finding it hard to get motivated to sort through it and get rid of what needs to be gotten rid of.

Which makes me think this post should be about my bad habits, because we all have them, and what better time to reflect on them than 1:30 in the morning!

First off, I procrastinate like a mofo. I've always done it. Granted, not with important things like making payments or getting Leroy in for his state inspection, but with other stuff, like housework. I'll be all "Yeah, totally gonna clean the bathroom today." Then I'm like, "Gonna do it after I watch this movie." Then it's "Gonna do it after I play Deus Ex!" Before I know it, it's 8:00 a.m., I'm dead tired from being up since 2 p.m. the previous day, and I'm like "Screw it, I'm gonna go to bed!" I procrastinated my way through school and community college. But I did get my work done; in that respect it was like I worked better under pressure.

I have a temper. Granted, I have a very long fuse, but when it finally get to the end, well, I don't even know how to describe it. It's scary. I've only gotten that way twice in my nearly 26 years, and it scared the shit out of me (and obviously the person on the other end). The absolute worst thing you can do is back me into a corner. I hazard to guess the only good thing that came of it was that the other person realized how wrong they had been, and apologized at some point. I guess sometimes it takes you chewing someone a new one for them to get it. :/ Oh and a warning, not that I truly believe in astrology, but being a Leo, I may forgive, but I don't forget. Not saying I hold grudges necessarily, but don't be an outright douche to me and then expect me to shake your hand afterwards.

I'm stubborn and hard-headed. But to an extent I know to pick my battles, and I know when I've lost one. I fought my co-manager on the whole electronics issue for 2 months. He basically lectured me one night, which I did NOT like, but eventually I grew to accept the way things are and were going to be. That doesn't mean I have to like it though. ;) Sometimes I still want to express my grievances regarding that (like him having another associate put out new releases who doesn't know how!), but I've come to realize that in this case, things will go more smoothly if I bite my lip...as painful as that may be for me.

I can get pretty irritable when I'm sick or in pain, although I suspect most people are like that when they're ill. I don't mean to be grouchy, but when you're sick for a few days or a week you get frustrated. Thankfully it's rare that I get legit sick.


I know I've been doing a lot of self analyzing since I started this, but it does help me. I've had difficulty accepting myself in the past because until now, it was as if nobody outside of my family accepted me. Actually, there are some family members that still don't accept me. But whatever...their problem, not mine. Yes, I'm insecure and socially awkward at times. I still struggle with self-confidence. But this has been good (and cheap) therapy for me.

Now that I've moved out and found an outlet, I'm slowly starting to know myself, my limitations, and most of all accept myself.

Sehnsucht

Well these 2 days off have gone by entirely too fast. But it was a good time. :)

I have to admit, I hate it when nobody's up but me. Ah, the lonely wee hours of the morning...an excellent time for contemplation. There's been some interesting emotional developments as of late. Basically, I've developed feelings for someone. I think he is my perfect compliment. I'm glad it's happened to be honest; I never thought I'd feel this way about anyone I actually knew. I do hope though, that this will not ruin what we have when these feelings inevitably make their presence known to the other party. Of course, there's also the possibility of rejection. I do wish to get out of the friend zone, but I'm more afraid of the "he's just no that into you" zone. I do not want to be put there, sadly though I put myself there before I've even opened my mouth. I thank my own insecurities for that, as I've never thought I'd be capable of being loved in a romantic sense.

So, I wish to make it known to him that I am not like the others he's been with. I'm the diamond you've found while you were collecting pebbles. Win my heart, and I will be yours and yours alone. I want to be the reason you smile, the one who makes you laugh the hardest, your favorite drunken video game partner, and of course the one with the shoulder to lean on whenever you need it. If you're having drama, I will have your back. My atypical-ness has nothing to do with how hard I can love if given the chance. If anything it works to your advantage, for I truly know what it is to love someone and do right by them.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I've found my Han Solo. I'm willing to be your Princess Leia, if you'll have me.

Why I Like My Job

A lot of folks look down on those of us that are in Walmart's employ. Not so much in the "Oh, you must not be able to do better" way, but in the "Wow, you work there? That SUCKS, lol" way. People assume that I would hate my job because they do. But actually, I don't. In fact, I quite enjoy what I do.

As strange as it may sound, I like stocking, probably because it's an activity that caters to my meticulous nature. My brain likes to be busy. I reckon after having been conditioned to be through numerous years of schooling this would make sense. I could NEVER be a cashier or people greeter for exactly this reason (that and I'd be standing in the same spot all day). I think this may be an underlying reason why I didn't like working in produce; it was literally the same thing every day. The only thinking part what deciding what you needed off the truck. And it's one reason why I love(d) working electronics. I was always helping customers, whether they just needed to know where something was, or how to play the music on their phone through their radio. As far as zoning is concerned, that's never "exciting," but it is more so when I'm zoning a department versus all the end caps or action alley displays. My brain is like "OMG I COULD BE BINNING ELECTRONICS INSTEAD OF THIS CRAP. FUUUUU---!"

My job allows me an outlet in which I can be meticulous, neat, and orderly without be labeled OCD or whatever. Others may try to shove the extra 4 items that clearly won't fit in the shelf up there, whereas I refuse to do so. I will not put up extra freight and have the department(s) I'm working look like shit. I can't stand when people do that. Take a look at the shipping/packaging tape in stationary and you'll see what I mean.

And it helps that I have awesome co-workers. :)

Picking Up The Pieces

My concept of loyalty has been shattered. Events occurred over the weekend that apparently has caused something in my head to snap. It's like I've had an epiphany. People will be loyal to you, but only until someone else they like better comes along. It doesn't matter how long you've known them, what you've been through together, they will leave you for someone else. And they may not even look back.

This is upsetting to me, because throughout my life, I haven't been blessed with a heck of a lot of good, honest friendships. So when I find that, I treasure it. I like to think I'm a good friend, someone who will do what I can to help you out, cheer you up, whatever the case may be. I've always been loyal person to the people I truly care about. So you can imagine the hurt when that loyalty all of sudden is snipped in half by the one at the other end. And there is nothing. I. Can. Do. And then have them tell you they hung out with you because they basically had nothing better to do. Care to twist that knife you've just stuck into my stomach?

It's left me in a very complicated, weird state of mind. I feel I've been lied to, for how long I have no idea. I've just got out of the "anger" phase of the grieving process, and perhaps now I'm in the "numb" phase. I'm finding that I don't really care as much as I used to. It's not that I've given up on things or people, but I just...don't care as much as I used to. As weird as it sounds, it almost feels liberating. But at the same time, I hate it. I want to be the person that I never really had in my life (until 9th grade anyway). But it's hard when that piece of you seems to have died. I feel as if my caring nature has ultimately hurt me.

I hope someday I can figure this all out. I hope to heal from this. I'm sorry to anyone I may have inadvertently hurt, because you had nothing to do with this. I haven't replied to texts or messages because I'm just going through some rough shit right now. I can't deal with it. I hope you understand.

Confessions

Often times in the wee hours I stop and analyze myself, something that I wish I didn't do, because it makes me feel less optimistic about my life.

My train of thought sometimes leads me back to that fight I had with my Dad last June, where I broke down and spilled my guts. It left me feeling as though I had done something wrong, or perhaps a lot of things wrong, but I could never figure out what it was. I went to work that night, arrived late, and tried with every fiber of my being to keep myself together...because all I wanted was to break down. I have never been in such a state, and haven't been since. It was a scary place for my mind to be in. One I never want to revisit.

I have been yelled at too much in my life. Mistakes are wrong. If you can't figure it out, you're too stupid. You're a pig. It didn't matter what the situation was. The solution was to make me feel as though I was wrong, that I had fucked up. I've never been good at math beyond basic algebra. My teachers never wanted to give me extra help after school. Instead they sighed exasperatedly "It's so simple! Don't you see?" No sir, I don't. Just like you don't see I need help. And always I was too afraid to ask for it.

Let's not forget the bullying during my childhood years. There was one boy in particular who made sure to yell out "DYKE!" at me every time he saw me in the hallways. I've had things thrown at me. I've had people draw swastikas on my desk in history class, which I would rub off with my spit each time. Another boy made my life so miserable, I wouldn't go to the playground in my neighborhood for fear of him being there. No blow was too low for him. To make it worse, he rode my bus, and was in my class too; there was no escaping it.

I've been made to feel lower than others. Like I deserve less. Like a freak. Like I'm not allowed to be who I am because it doesn't fit in the nice little neat boxes.

Yes. I have issues. Yes. I have anger problems. Yes. I am overly defensive. I admit these things. You can thank the males in my life for giving them to me.

Oh and of course, apparently I need to get NO, I'M NOT LESBIAN tattooed on my forehead. Because who I'd fuck is everybody's major concern it seems.