Picking Up The Pieces

My concept of loyalty has been shattered. Events occurred over the weekend that apparently has caused something in my head to snap. It's like I've had an epiphany. People will be loyal to you, but only until someone else they like better comes along. It doesn't matter how long you've known them, what you've been through together, they will leave you for someone else. And they may not even look back.

This is upsetting to me, because throughout my life, I haven't been blessed with a heck of a lot of good, honest friendships. So when I find that, I treasure it. I like to think I'm a good friend, someone who will do what I can to help you out, cheer you up, whatever the case may be. I've always been loyal person to the people I truly care about. So you can imagine the hurt when that loyalty all of sudden is snipped in half by the one at the other end. And there is nothing. I. Can. Do. And then have them tell you they hung out with you because they basically had nothing better to do. Care to twist that knife you've just stuck into my stomach?

It's left me in a very complicated, weird state of mind. I feel I've been lied to, for how long I have no idea. I've just got out of the "anger" phase of the grieving process, and perhaps now I'm in the "numb" phase. I'm finding that I don't really care as much as I used to. It's not that I've given up on things or people, but I just...don't care as much as I used to. As weird as it sounds, it almost feels liberating. But at the same time, I hate it. I want to be the person that I never really had in my life (until 9th grade anyway). But it's hard when that piece of you seems to have died. I feel as if my caring nature has ultimately hurt me.

I hope someday I can figure this all out. I hope to heal from this. I'm sorry to anyone I may have inadvertently hurt, because you had nothing to do with this. I haven't replied to texts or messages because I'm just going through some rough shit right now. I can't deal with it. I hope you understand.